Friday, November 11, 2011

Its been awhile

Havent made a post in a long time. I am bad about writing. Meant to write Ava a journal, and waited till it was almost to late to start one while she was alive. Never even cracked one open for Brayden. Bad mommy.

Just listening to Brayden sleeping on the monitor. Every night I thank God for him. Seriously. As he eats I kiss his forehead and tell God THANK YOU. And that if he would, please bless us with one more day. I try to enjoy every moment. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Sometimes when I rock him, I still cry for Ava. Wishing she was in the other room asleep too. Wondering what it would be like. It's hard to believe that on the 18th it will be 1 year and 6 months since she was born. How do the days continue when you lose someone so precious? Its amazing how you are "fine" then the pain comes crashing down again and you wonder how it can still hurt so bad. And as time goes you worry there is no one to comfort you in those dark moments because it has been "so long" since she died.

I look at Brayden's face and I can see resemblance to Ava. I mean I can't see a lot since she was so early and was not exactly in her best form because of Hydrops. (Perfection still to me of course.)But he def. has her nose and mouth. And I wonder how much hair she would have had. She had a nice fuzz going on. Would she have a "toupee" like Brayden, haha. So much you wonder, but I guess I wont know till God calls me Home too.

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