Friday, September 24, 2010

Day 7

A picture that makes you happy


This picture makes me happy because it was such a wonderful day. It was March 21st Thomas and I were at Epcot and I was 18 weeks pregnant with Ava. We were so happy and although I tired out really fast, we had So much fun! The future seemed so bright and we talked about when we would come back and Ava would be about 5 and we would do all the rides and wait in all the lines for the characters. And Thomas would drink a beer from each "country". I would love to go back to this day.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Day 6

Today is to write about whatever tickles my fancy. Hm.

Well I am really excited to have lost 10 pounds. Like SUPER happy. I havent worked out the last two days, which I need to get of the comp and get back into routine, but I have been feeling blah the last few days. But I'll be OK.

I want to write about my amazing husband.

We met our senior year of HS. It was November 2005. He was in my classroom talking to Mrs. F and Carrie about some chick he liked. And although I don't believe in "love at first sight" because you cant LOVE a person just by looks. I def had a connection. I just knew he was going to be a good friend of mine and that he was in my future. Well, he didnt seem all too into me. He still liked this one girl and I would "magically" find myself in his path (really I was just stalking him) and I would find ways to talk to him. On the way to lunch I would make Carrie walk by his classroom so I could peek in on him (what a freak!). First time we hung out we went to Steak and Shake with Mackenzie and saw The Pink Panther (He thought it was hilarious, I found it boring.) he wrote something with a yellow crayon on a napkin (Dont remember what) and I knew I was falling. (I still have the napkin.) We stayed out pretty late just hanging around his truck and talking. One day I asked him to go ice skating with my brother and I. We had a blast and they had a lot of fun making fun of my "skills." Well I told him that I USED to like him. and he asked me when. But I said something like "last monday" lol. Lame.(I wanted to go back to CA). Obviously that didnt happen. When July came we were in love and we knew it was forever. he went to bootcamp and I wrote the standard 100 letters a month lol. Got him laughed at when he recieved a manilla envelope with 10 stamps on it... Hey! I didnt know what was enough!)and when it was time for graduation I went down with his family to Parris Island to watch him cross the deck. I would visit him often in Jacksonville, NC and on January 13th 2007 he asked me to marry him. I said yes and we made plans for Summer 2008. he deployed to Baghdad Iraq on April 2007- September 2007 and when he came home we couldnt wait any longer. And we were tired of being apart. So we made plans for a wedding in December. That didnt work and on November 9th 2007 we were married with a JOP. That night we went to our first Marine Ball. November 23rd we had a formal wedding with most of our family. (I still wish we had waited for the big wedding, I would of loved it to be Spring! And more of my family could of come) I moved in with him December 14th 2007. We had a wonderful first year with seriously only one fight. It was bad, but afterwards it seems we let out any frustration in that one arguement. we adopted melody February 15th 2008. Had many BBQs and fun with our friends Blair, Mason, Tara, Tim, Tracey and Cliff. September 2008 Thomas again deployed to Iraq. He came home in April and we talked about kids, but decided he wasn't going to re-enlist so we put off plans for kids. Our friends left NC due to husbands finished with enlistments and new stations...

Thomas and I got the suprise of our lives on December 14th 2009. Found out I was preggo! Which was just too crazy since I had only been off the pill 3 weeks to change pills and he had only been home for a week before going on a training OP. So I took a teast when he came home and yeap, it was positive. So we started making plans for the future. Found out the baby was a girl March 26th with my brother. May 3rd our life was turned upside down when we were told our daughter had a condition called Hydrops Fetalis caused by Parvo. The month of May really tested us and our marriage. I was very sick and needed him to help me. His buddies were readying to deploy again....he barely got to say goodbye because I needed him by me. He was an excellent caregiver and a shoulder to cry on. We both broke down many times, but he was and still is, always there for me. He is not a very patient Man, but when I needed his patience the most....he gave me his all.
I wish that our daughter had lived, but I thank God for giving me Thomas. Because he is def. my rock and my partner for life. We have moments where our patience for the other's habits/ways wears thin. But I know he has my back and I have his. I feel so incomplete to think about what I would be like if he were not here. These months since Ava became an angel has been the most hardest time of our lives. The stress of losing a child, changing jobs, moving, and living with your's not easy. Not having the future you had plan and it all being pulled from under you would break most couples. But it's like Thomas and I formed completely into the "one being" you swear to become when you marry. Its like the more trials we face the more we cling to each other. Since Ava, I almost daily recieve an email from someone telling us how proud they are of us, and how they look to us. It makes me proud that I have such an amazing partner and that we are somewhat rolemodels to people. That people can look at us and know that even in the bad times, you can still be so amazingly in love. And that really nothing can tear you apart.

I love you Thomas. Even if at times you are so weird and dorky I dont know what I got myself into, but then you kiss me and I know that I got myself into years and years of love,happiness, and devotion no matter what. That I found someone who will always be there for me and makes me laugh. That one touch of your hand on my cheek can melt my worries away. And that I have found the most amazing man and father. I will never forget the love in your eyes when you held Ava for the first time. The things you said to her.....Ava and I are so incredibly lucky to have someone with such a big heart.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Day 5

Well I accidentally missed yesterday's so after math class I will come back and do today's which should actually be day 6.

Day five is my favorite quote. And I guess in all honesty I have never chose one. But I do live my life in the mindset that you have to be thankful for what you do have, and to not let the bad gloomy times and things take control. I never had any patience for people who say "FML" and "My life sucks wah" Or "But when I was a kid...."GET OVER IT. Because your life probably is more than the fact that you failed a grade or your hubby never does the dishes. Or even if you were beat as a child or had an alcoholic for a dad....someone has it worse than you. Even when Ava died, I was/am terribly sad. But I never let myself think I have it the worst than anyone. I never let myself think "My life sucks and it will always suck." Yeah I was down, because yes, I lost my daughter and part of my future. A horrible thing to happen to anyone. But still, there are people worse off then me. Some have never even had the joy of being pregnant or giving birth. Some people have lost 5 children. Who am I to let myself be "depressed" when its all really amind set and how strong you are to deal.

Some people say "I had a bad childhood" well then...make up for it! Enjoy your life to the fullest now that your a grown adult and you know what SHOULDNT be done. Dont let the fact that alcoholism or being poor was in your childhood. MOVE ON. I was poor. I lived off of butter and salt tortillas sometimes. My mom was a single mom. My dad would hide liquor in my playsets! But did I let myself become like him? Did I let myself be a downer? No. Because some people had alcoholics in their life who beat them. And some werent lucky to have a mom that loved them and tried her hardest and kept a roof over her two kids heads. Never think you have it bad. Try to see the light.

Dont know if this makes much sense, my writing and spelling has been off a lot the past 2 days. But I just want people to know...suck it up. Lol.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Day 4

Well it is late and I need to get to bed for school in the morning. But I will quickly go into my favorite book....ssssss. Lol.

I LOVE to read. Always have and I always will. My first chapter book was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory in 1st grade. I have been a level 13+ reader since I can remember.I am good at reading and spelling, pronounciation is a whole other thing entirely!

I cant pick my favorite book. I can narrow it down though,

-The Other Boleyn Girl, and any other book from Philippa Greggory.

-Laura Ingalls Wilder's series. (Especially Little House in the Big Woods)

- The Autobiography of King Henry VIII and Mary Queen of Scotland and the Isles, same author...cant rememeber her name!

- Books about King Henry VIII's wives and family by Jean Plaidy

Really anything on King Henry VIII's life and family.

Hm...its late and my brain is dead. I will have to update this in the future. (I wont say tomorrow because I have never been a person who gets things done and since Ava's death it has only gotten worse!)


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Day 3 and Alivia

Day 3 of the 30 Days About Me....television. What is my favorite TV program?
Well, I rarely watch TV. Maybe like 30 min a week? When I was preggo I watched every baby story and baby show available. But now i live with my in-laws and they hold the power of the tube. They tend to watch more CSI, NCIS, Burn Notice, etc. Thats fine, but I get bored. Thomas likes House...I rarely get to watch what I like. So its hard to ever pick something. I love "What not to Wear." I would love to actually watch the series "The Tudors" as they show, but I have to wait for the seasons to be released and get caught up. As we dont have lifetime or whatever channel. I am not into realitiy shows but I did get into America's Next Top Model for awhile. And I did like The secret Life of an American Teenager. But another problem of mine is remembering when a show is on. So I always miss them. I do have Tivo now so I have no excuse other than the lazyness of Tivo-ing it....:)

Today I became a GodMother, little Alivia Marie was born today at 4:08pm. I am super happy for Brittany and Anthony. I am so glad they found each other and now have this little miracle in their lives. And I am so honored that they chose me to be a part of Alivia's life. I pray that Alivia knows one day that she is a very special little girl and has her very own guardian angel named Ava. Who would of been a very good friend of hers, but she had other things to do. I ask Ava to watch all my friends babies. I hope God has given her this task. Makes me feel better too.

Well I just got off work and I am exhausted. I have school in the morning...math. Ugh. -_-

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Day 2 and 9/11

Day 2 of me is about my favorite movie. Which if picking my fave song was hard, this is even harder. I have way too many favorites. I love Transformers (1&2), Pirates of the Caribbean(1,2,3), The Phantom of the Opera, almost any Disney Movie, Despicable Me, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I guess right now I really love Despicable Me....its just too cute. And it seems I love kid movies lol. I like some adult ones I just cant think of any names at the moment.

Today is also the 9th year since 9-11. I cant believe it has been 9 years when it feels like just yesterday I was in my Pjs watching live as the second plane crashed into the South tower. I can still remember the way that morning felt. I can still place myself next to the couch, tell you which lights were on, and what my mom was doing. I remember the shock and sinking sick feeling as I heard the newscaster and my mom scream when the second plane hit. Hearing "Terrorist Attack" My heart breaking for those trapped inside the towers and those watching helplessly. The loss of loved ones in so many families. Of the brave police and firefighters. That day changed America and I remember the signs and brotherhood we regained that day. God bless America. We will never forget.

Friday, September 10, 2010

30 days of me- Day One

Ive decided to do the 30 days of me. Got the idea from spying on my bestie Emily's page. Someone recommended it to her. So I am going to do it too! Cuz I am a follower. No I just have no idea what to write about outside of my heartache, but my life is more than saddness still. And Ava was joy....

So day one is to write about my favorite song. That is a tough one since it depends on my mood (I think that applies to most people?) and it changes frequently. At the moment I guess it is "Your love is my drug." Because I love the beat. I blare it to work when I am feeling down and just let myself feel like I did when I was young and in love (and especially when Thomas came into the picture.) How you have to be near them and when they "crash" I am also loving a song from Wicked called "For Good" because it makes me think of Ava and how she has changed me. -Ke$ha Wicked

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Ava's story

I was having a normal healthy pregnancy. I had to go in for another ultrasound at 24 weeks because at my 20 week ultrasound Ava wouldn't show her face (She liked to be head down and face to my back) so they were trying to get her face again and the lady kept asking me if I had been sick or around cats or sick people. I said no and she got the doctor and he told me that Ava had Hydrops Fetalis, which is an end stage. (Meaning nothing you can do).

Hydrops is fluid in two places of the body. For Ava, the heart, lungs, and brain. It can be caused by the RH factor (very uncommon now), chromosomal, or a virus. We saw a specialist who saw extra blood flow in her brain, which is an indicator of anemia, and anemia is common in viruses. So he recommended that we go to the Pitt County Memorial Hospital and have a procedure called PUBS done (Blood transfusion to the baby through the umbilical cord via mom's belly). It was confirmed she had severe anemia and that the likely cause was Parvo. (caused by slap cheek aka fifths disease).

We were in and out of doctors for a few days. But then I began sever swelling (I had been swelling for at least a week, but it was getting worse) and gaining 9 lbs overnight in water weight. I was developing mirror syndrome which means I was copying what was happening to my daughter. It is like pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure went up to 13o's/70's. And I was +1 protein in my urine. When I got to +2 protein and had gained another 10 pounds of fluid and my blood pressure was 140's/80s I was admitted to the hospital and was told I would stay there until Ava's hydops was under control (Since they thought it viral that means it could run its course and leave us to continue a healthy pregnancy) I had another PUBS done and they xrayed me for fluid in my lungs, which I had some. My liver enzymes rose daily. On Sunday May 16th, I was having a great day. My BP went down and so did my liver enzymes. I had been leaking fluid the past few days, but my water wasnt broken. Sunday night I woke up and had a lot more fluid, my water had finally only 26 weeks.

Ava was given a 0% chance of living if delivered before 30 weeks. They had given me steriod shots 2 days before...but they were not hopeful. At this point I had gained 50 pounds in 2 weeks of water weight. I had more fluid in my lungs and when they administered meds to stop labor, my heart rate went erratic. I was put on oxygen and they told me that my life was now in danger. (Not because of the meds, it just happened at the same time) (They had kept telling me since I found out Ava had hydrops 2 weeks prior that my life was getting weaker, but now it was a fact.) Without an intact water and already 1-2 cm dialated, there wasnt anything they could do to give her another blood transfusion. Without that she would die, and I had maybe a week left myself. She needed at least 4 more weeks to have a chance to live, but that was impossible. My doctor came in asking if she could induce the labor, but I refused. (This was may 17th now) I didnt want to give up, I knew that she had a virus she was battling and that if I gave her time everything would be ok. But I kept deteriorating and my husband begged me to induce. I was told if the baby's heart rate dropped they would not do an emergency c-section. And that if my life was at risk and they had to do an emergency c-section I would probably lose the ability to have more children AND I would lose Ava anyway.

So at 5:25pm on May 17th I finally consented to induction. I had a folli bulb which hurts...Ava's heart rate never dropped during labor. They stopped monitoring near the end because they were so sure she wouldnt ilve. And didnt want me to lose it if I heard her heart stop. They checked every now and then, and it was such a relief to hear her heart. I felt, and still I failed her. I know her hydros was very severe, and she may still have never had time to get over the virus even if I hadnt induced...but I still wish I had risked my life to try to save hers...even if it wouldnt of worked. At least I would be with her, but that was selfish of me to husband and family need me.

3:07am Tuesday May 18th (at exactly 26 weeks) my daughter was born alive and kicking. (but no crying) 3lb 7 oz (about a pound of fluid weight for her) 14 inches long. They immediatly started working to get a tube down her throat to help her breathe. They were able to get a tube in, they didnt think it would be possible.

At 6:30am I got to touch my daughter for the first time. She was so small and so beautiful for being so early. her features defined so well. I felt a lot of hope then.

I finally went to try to sleep (I hadnt slept in 3 days). At 11am they came and woke us up, telling us she was failing and we should go hold her and say goodbyes. We rushed up there and when we got there they were working on her to save her....I can talk about her birth but this part always makes me choke up because I can vividly see them all around her...the worst thing you can ever see. The doctor came and told us she was still alive, but barely and that she doesnt think they can keep her alive and even if they can...not for long. that she is just going to suffer and end up dying anyway. So my husband told them to stop, and I nodded....and they handed me her. She was so warm and so so so small. I just started crying. And I feel bad because even as I delivered her I was only saying "Im sorry Ava". And now as she was in my arms all I could do was cry. My husband and my mom held me and her together and we just felt her. I finally let my husband hold her, and we both saw (he felt) her last kicks. My brother held her when her heart finally stopped beating (that is when they can prounce the person dead, but she had stopped breathing over an hour prior)
At 1:13pm our little girl was an angel.

Later that day my blood tests came and the amniotic fluid both tested positive for Parvo. So I am thankful that this case of Hydrops cannot happen again to us. That is wasnt a genetic thing.
Sorry this was so long...I kinda just went back and remembered. Thanks if you read it.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

"Say Olin"

I found this poem in a book I am reading called "Say Olin To Say Goodbye" by Donald Hackett. It is about the death of his son Olin.
This poem really says everything I tried to say in my blog yesterday. As time moves on, others cannot help that they too move on. This loss wasn't directly yours, you hurt for me...but you cannot entirely understand the pain. But I thank everyone who has cried with me and still thinks of Ava. Please never stop saying her name to me. I do not cry because you have "hurt" me. I cry because you care and because I am healing. NEVER think that she has ceased to be of importance to me. She lives in my heart and everyday I think of her. Even when her siblings are born, she will be their big sister and I will still think of her....and you can still speak of her to me. Thank you.
If you don't know what to say...that is ok too. Like the poem says, I was in your shoes at one time. I understand. But don't say NOTHING because you think it will hurt. Just hearing how Ava has made you love your own children more makes me feel better. Telling me that everytime you see a butterfly or a star ora lightning bug to you it's her saying "hello".
Here is the poem.

"The time of concern is over.
No longer am I asked how my wife is doing.
Never is the name of our son mentioned to me.
A curtain descends.
The moment has passed.
A life slips from frequent recall.
There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends.
Sensitive and loving family.For most, the drama is over.
The spotlight is off.
Applause is silent.
But for me the play will never end.
The effects on me are timeless.
Say Olin to me.
On the stage of my life he has been both lead and supporting actor.
Do not tiptoe around the greatest event of my life.
Love does not die.
His name is written on my life.
The sound of his voice replays within my mind.
You feel he is dead.
I feel he is of the dead and still he lives.
He ghostwalks my soul, beckoning in future welcome.
You say he was my son.
I say he is.
Say Olin to me and say Olin again.
It hurts to bury his memory in silence.
What he was in flesh lies buried miles away.
What he is in spirit stirs within me always.
His of my past but he is part of my now.
He is my hope for the future.
You say not to remind me.
How little you understand I cannot forget.
I would not if I could.I understand you,
but feel pain in being forced to do so.I forgive you,
because you cannot know.
And I would forgive you anyway.
I accept how you see me,
But I understand that you see me not at all.
I strive not to judge you, for yesterday I was like you.
But I wish you could understand that I dwell both in flesh and spirit.
The mystery is that you do too, but know it not.
I do not ask you to walk this road.
The ascent is steep and the burden heavy.
I walk it not by choice.
I would rather walk with him in flesh,
Looking not to spirit roads beyond.
I am what I have to be.
What I have lost you cannot feel.
What I have gained you cannot see.
And I would not have you.
Say Olin for he is alive in me.
He and I will meet again, though in many ways we have never parted.
He and his life play light songs on my mind,
Sunrises and sunsets on my dreams.
He is real and shadow, was and is.
Say Olin to me and say Olin again.
He is my son and I love him as I always did.
Say Olin."

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


My friend Kayla is probably going to be shocked to see I finally posted a blog. I have been meaning to. But I never thought anyone would read it. And I have continued writing in the journal I was going to give Ava when she was older. But now that a few months have passed and the shock of our daughter's death has faded for many. I feel a lot more alone. Everyone gets to move on except for me and my family. We lost our future. And yet others seem to think that we will stop talking about her. I want to talk about her. But I feel like I am annoying people. I don't even know if anyone really reads my statuses on FB anymore. So I figured I'd write her and if anyone still cared about Ava then they could come read about how I am feeling. Instead of hiding me on FB because I might be ruining their happy day. Which I dont think is fair because I think if I have to read everyone elses happy posts about their babies/pregnancy then they can spare me some support in losing my daughter. If this had happened to a friend and not myself. Even if I had no idea on what to do or say. I would always listen and let them know that I havent stopped caring. I would attend the memorial service. So many of my friends I think are too insecure to come. Not sure what it will be like, what to say. Maybe afraid to cry. When I went to the support group last night I was afraid to cry. These were complete strangers. But like one of them said. It is easier to cry in front of strangers and not in front of those you know. These people poured their hearts to us about their loss. What they feel, what you thought wasn't normal, turns out to be very normal. Thomas told our story and everyone had a tissue. I cried for them and their losses, and even more touching they all cried for our loss.

Losing a child is the most horrible experience you can ever go through. I have been told so many times from those who have lost a child that "now you know that no matter what happens the rest of your life, it cant be as bad as this." And honestly, that is pretty true. I have experienced a lot in my life. And not having a dad around it just doesn't matter compare to losing your baby. I have never hurt this much. And it sucks because everyone is afraid of death....people are more likely to celebrate the good with you and know what to say...congrats...then a simple "Im sorry" when you loss someone. I myself am guilty of this. When my good friend Kathy lost her son, I didnt know what to say. I did say I was sorry. But then I never said anything else. And that hurts. The pain never leaves you and it hurts when you think everyone has forgotten the one you love. That they think you should be moving on by now. Let me tell you now...I will NEVER move on. I may have more children, but I lost my daughter. My first baby. I will always wonder what it would of been like had she lived. I will always look at my future children and wonder if Ava would of had the same color hair when she got older. You cannot expect me to just cry for her and then live my life. I will live, but I will always have a part of me in heaven and an innocence about life that is forever gone. Death is not scary. I guess if you never experienced losing someone you love, you just try to avoid it. Its NOT taboo. It is not something to just ignore.

Its not fair I lost my daughter, My selfish part knows this sucks, I wanted to have her in my arms always. But What I cant deal with is that she died and everyone seems to think she doesn't matter as much as a live baby on earth. That their baby is more important because he/she is alive and can be visably seen going through life, whereas my daughter is in Heaven and cant be seen. I plan to celebrate my daughters life for as long as I live. On her first birthday I will make her a cake. I will hang a stocking for her on Christmas. People thank God for the good in their life, and say let his will be done and how blessed they are...what about me? Am I therefore cursed because he took my daughter? Am I not blessed? I still thank God, even if I am hurting so bad. Because in my eyes. My daughter got to leave this evil earth and never face fear, sorrow, or danger. She is an angel and will forever be happy. Never know sadness. Is she not blessed because she isnt here on earth? She is just some sad story of a child who didnt get to live long? I dont think that is true. Her soul was so good and pure (all children are, but we lose that when we get older and have to find that innocence again)that God wanted her always to be happy with him in heaven. And one day when our souls are just as loving and good like hers. We too will be with him. I think she is very blessed. Our selfishness dont see it this way, because who doesnt want to watch their child grow? But sometimes God sends them only for a little while.

I am rambling. But I have so many thoughts locked in my head that I have held in for so long. Its hard to get them out in an order that can be understood.

I want to thank everyone who is going to celebrate Ava in August 28th. That means so much to me. I know so many of you still care and ache for our loss. But I try to stay positive that she is happy in heaven. Even if I am left here without her for now. I wish no one ever had to lose a child, but they are in a happy safe place. Its ok to cry and miss them. But try to stay positive that you will see them again and that they wouldn't want you to conitnue your life in darkness as you finish what your soul has to do here on earth to be with God.