Friday, November 11, 2011

Its been awhile

Havent made a post in a long time. I am bad about writing. Meant to write Ava a journal, and waited till it was almost to late to start one while she was alive. Never even cracked one open for Brayden. Bad mommy.

Just listening to Brayden sleeping on the monitor. Every night I thank God for him. Seriously. As he eats I kiss his forehead and tell God THANK YOU. And that if he would, please bless us with one more day. I try to enjoy every moment. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Sometimes when I rock him, I still cry for Ava. Wishing she was in the other room asleep too. Wondering what it would be like. It's hard to believe that on the 18th it will be 1 year and 6 months since she was born. How do the days continue when you lose someone so precious? Its amazing how you are "fine" then the pain comes crashing down again and you wonder how it can still hurt so bad. And as time goes you worry there is no one to comfort you in those dark moments because it has been "so long" since she died.

I look at Brayden's face and I can see resemblance to Ava. I mean I can't see a lot since she was so early and was not exactly in her best form because of Hydrops. (Perfection still to me of course.)But he def. has her nose and mouth. And I wonder how much hair she would have had. She had a nice fuzz going on. Would she have a "toupee" like Brayden, haha. So much you wonder, but I guess I wont know till God calls me Home too.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Day 7

A picture that makes you happy


This picture makes me happy because it was such a wonderful day. It was March 21st Thomas and I were at Epcot and I was 18 weeks pregnant with Ava. We were so happy and although I tired out really fast, we had So much fun! The future seemed so bright and we talked about when we would come back and Ava would be about 5 and we would do all the rides and wait in all the lines for the characters. And Thomas would drink a beer from each "country". I would love to go back to this day.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Day 6

Today is to write about whatever tickles my fancy. Hm.

Well I am really excited to have lost 10 pounds. Like SUPER happy. I havent worked out the last two days, which I need to get of the comp and get back into routine, but I have been feeling blah the last few days. But I'll be OK.

I want to write about my amazing husband.

We met our senior year of HS. It was November 2005. He was in my classroom talking to Mrs. F and Carrie about some chick he liked. And although I don't believe in "love at first sight" because you cant LOVE a person just by looks. I def had a connection. I just knew he was going to be a good friend of mine and that he was in my future. Well, he didnt seem all too into me. He still liked this one girl and I would "magically" find myself in his path (really I was just stalking him) and I would find ways to talk to him. On the way to lunch I would make Carrie walk by his classroom so I could peek in on him (what a freak!). First time we hung out we went to Steak and Shake with Mackenzie and saw The Pink Panther (He thought it was hilarious, I found it boring.) he wrote something with a yellow crayon on a napkin (Dont remember what) and I knew I was falling. (I still have the napkin.) We stayed out pretty late just hanging around his truck and talking. One day I asked him to go ice skating with my brother and I. We had a blast and they had a lot of fun making fun of my "skills." Well I told him that I USED to like him. and he asked me when. But I said something like "last monday" lol. Lame.(I wanted to go back to CA). Obviously that didnt happen. When July came we were in love and we knew it was forever. he went to bootcamp and I wrote the standard 100 letters a month lol. Got him laughed at when he recieved a manilla envelope with 10 stamps on it... Hey! I didnt know what was enough!)and when it was time for graduation I went down with his family to Parris Island to watch him cross the deck. I would visit him often in Jacksonville, NC and on January 13th 2007 he asked me to marry him. I said yes and we made plans for Summer 2008. he deployed to Baghdad Iraq on April 2007- September 2007 and when he came home we couldnt wait any longer. And we were tired of being apart. So we made plans for a wedding in December. That didnt work and on November 9th 2007 we were married with a JOP. That night we went to our first Marine Ball. November 23rd we had a formal wedding with most of our family. (I still wish we had waited for the big wedding, I would of loved it to be Spring! And more of my family could of come) I moved in with him December 14th 2007. We had a wonderful first year with seriously only one fight. It was bad, but afterwards it seems we let out any frustration in that one arguement. we adopted melody February 15th 2008. Had many BBQs and fun with our friends Blair, Mason, Tara, Tim, Tracey and Cliff. September 2008 Thomas again deployed to Iraq. He came home in April and we talked about kids, but decided he wasn't going to re-enlist so we put off plans for kids. Our friends left NC due to husbands finished with enlistments and new stations...

Thomas and I got the suprise of our lives on December 14th 2009. Found out I was preggo! Which was just too crazy since I had only been off the pill 3 weeks to change pills and he had only been home for a week before going on a training OP. So I took a teast when he came home and yeap, it was positive. So we started making plans for the future. Found out the baby was a girl March 26th with my brother. May 3rd our life was turned upside down when we were told our daughter had a condition called Hydrops Fetalis caused by Parvo. The month of May really tested us and our marriage. I was very sick and needed him to help me. His buddies were readying to deploy again....he barely got to say goodbye because I needed him by me. He was an excellent caregiver and a shoulder to cry on. We both broke down many times, but he was and still is, always there for me. He is not a very patient Man, but when I needed his patience the most....he gave me his all.
I wish that our daughter had lived, but I thank God for giving me Thomas. Because he is def. my rock and my partner for life. We have moments where our patience for the other's habits/ways wears thin. But I know he has my back and I have his. I feel so incomplete to think about what I would be like if he were not here. These months since Ava became an angel has been the most hardest time of our lives. The stress of losing a child, changing jobs, moving, and living with your's not easy. Not having the future you had plan and it all being pulled from under you would break most couples. But it's like Thomas and I formed completely into the "one being" you swear to become when you marry. Its like the more trials we face the more we cling to each other. Since Ava, I almost daily recieve an email from someone telling us how proud they are of us, and how they look to us. It makes me proud that I have such an amazing partner and that we are somewhat rolemodels to people. That people can look at us and know that even in the bad times, you can still be so amazingly in love. And that really nothing can tear you apart.

I love you Thomas. Even if at times you are so weird and dorky I dont know what I got myself into, but then you kiss me and I know that I got myself into years and years of love,happiness, and devotion no matter what. That I found someone who will always be there for me and makes me laugh. That one touch of your hand on my cheek can melt my worries away. And that I have found the most amazing man and father. I will never forget the love in your eyes when you held Ava for the first time. The things you said to her.....Ava and I are so incredibly lucky to have someone with such a big heart.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Day 5

Well I accidentally missed yesterday's so after math class I will come back and do today's which should actually be day 6.

Day five is my favorite quote. And I guess in all honesty I have never chose one. But I do live my life in the mindset that you have to be thankful for what you do have, and to not let the bad gloomy times and things take control. I never had any patience for people who say "FML" and "My life sucks wah" Or "But when I was a kid...."GET OVER IT. Because your life probably is more than the fact that you failed a grade or your hubby never does the dishes. Or even if you were beat as a child or had an alcoholic for a dad....someone has it worse than you. Even when Ava died, I was/am terribly sad. But I never let myself think I have it the worst than anyone. I never let myself think "My life sucks and it will always suck." Yeah I was down, because yes, I lost my daughter and part of my future. A horrible thing to happen to anyone. But still, there are people worse off then me. Some have never even had the joy of being pregnant or giving birth. Some people have lost 5 children. Who am I to let myself be "depressed" when its all really amind set and how strong you are to deal.

Some people say "I had a bad childhood" well then...make up for it! Enjoy your life to the fullest now that your a grown adult and you know what SHOULDNT be done. Dont let the fact that alcoholism or being poor was in your childhood. MOVE ON. I was poor. I lived off of butter and salt tortillas sometimes. My mom was a single mom. My dad would hide liquor in my playsets! But did I let myself become like him? Did I let myself be a downer? No. Because some people had alcoholics in their life who beat them. And some werent lucky to have a mom that loved them and tried her hardest and kept a roof over her two kids heads. Never think you have it bad. Try to see the light.

Dont know if this makes much sense, my writing and spelling has been off a lot the past 2 days. But I just want people to know...suck it up. Lol.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Day 4

Well it is late and I need to get to bed for school in the morning. But I will quickly go into my favorite book....ssssss. Lol.

I LOVE to read. Always have and I always will. My first chapter book was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory in 1st grade. I have been a level 13+ reader since I can remember.I am good at reading and spelling, pronounciation is a whole other thing entirely!

I cant pick my favorite book. I can narrow it down though,

-The Other Boleyn Girl, and any other book from Philippa Greggory.

-Laura Ingalls Wilder's series. (Especially Little House in the Big Woods)

- The Autobiography of King Henry VIII and Mary Queen of Scotland and the Isles, same author...cant rememeber her name!

- Books about King Henry VIII's wives and family by Jean Plaidy

Really anything on King Henry VIII's life and family.

Hm...its late and my brain is dead. I will have to update this in the future. (I wont say tomorrow because I have never been a person who gets things done and since Ava's death it has only gotten worse!)


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Day 3 and Alivia

Day 3 of the 30 Days About Me....television. What is my favorite TV program?
Well, I rarely watch TV. Maybe like 30 min a week? When I was preggo I watched every baby story and baby show available. But now i live with my in-laws and they hold the power of the tube. They tend to watch more CSI, NCIS, Burn Notice, etc. Thats fine, but I get bored. Thomas likes House...I rarely get to watch what I like. So its hard to ever pick something. I love "What not to Wear." I would love to actually watch the series "The Tudors" as they show, but I have to wait for the seasons to be released and get caught up. As we dont have lifetime or whatever channel. I am not into realitiy shows but I did get into America's Next Top Model for awhile. And I did like The secret Life of an American Teenager. But another problem of mine is remembering when a show is on. So I always miss them. I do have Tivo now so I have no excuse other than the lazyness of Tivo-ing it....:)

Today I became a GodMother, little Alivia Marie was born today at 4:08pm. I am super happy for Brittany and Anthony. I am so glad they found each other and now have this little miracle in their lives. And I am so honored that they chose me to be a part of Alivia's life. I pray that Alivia knows one day that she is a very special little girl and has her very own guardian angel named Ava. Who would of been a very good friend of hers, but she had other things to do. I ask Ava to watch all my friends babies. I hope God has given her this task. Makes me feel better too.

Well I just got off work and I am exhausted. I have school in the morning...math. Ugh. -_-

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Day 2 and 9/11

Day 2 of me is about my favorite movie. Which if picking my fave song was hard, this is even harder. I have way too many favorites. I love Transformers (1&2), Pirates of the Caribbean(1,2,3), The Phantom of the Opera, almost any Disney Movie, Despicable Me, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I guess right now I really love Despicable Me....its just too cute. And it seems I love kid movies lol. I like some adult ones I just cant think of any names at the moment.

Today is also the 9th year since 9-11. I cant believe it has been 9 years when it feels like just yesterday I was in my Pjs watching live as the second plane crashed into the South tower. I can still remember the way that morning felt. I can still place myself next to the couch, tell you which lights were on, and what my mom was doing. I remember the shock and sinking sick feeling as I heard the newscaster and my mom scream when the second plane hit. Hearing "Terrorist Attack" My heart breaking for those trapped inside the towers and those watching helplessly. The loss of loved ones in so many families. Of the brave police and firefighters. That day changed America and I remember the signs and brotherhood we regained that day. God bless America. We will never forget.