Ava

My friend Kayla is probably going to be shocked to see I finally posted a blog. I have been meaning to. But I never thought anyone would read it. And I have continued writing in the journal I was going to give Ava when she was older. But now that a few months have passed and the shock of our daughter's death has faded for many. I feel a lot more alone. Everyone gets to move on except for me and my family. We lost our future. And yet others seem to think that we will stop talking about her. I want to talk about her. But I feel like I am annoying people. I don't even know if anyone really reads my statuses on FB anymore. So I figured I'd write her and if anyone still cared about Ava then they could come read about how I am feeling. Instead of hiding me on FB because I might be ruining their happy day. Which I dont think is fair because I think if I have to read everyone elses happy posts about their babies/pregnancy then they can spare me some support in losing my daughter. If this had happened to a friend and not myself. Even if I had no idea on what to do or say. I would always listen and let them know that I havent stopped caring. I would attend the memorial service. So many of my friends I think are too insecure to come. Not sure what it will be like, what to say. Maybe afraid to cry. When I went to the support group last night I was afraid to cry. These were complete strangers. But like one of them said. It is easier to cry in front of strangers and not in front of those you know. These people poured their hearts to us about their loss. What they feel, what you thought wasn't normal, turns out to be very normal. Thomas told our story and everyone had a tissue. I cried for them and their losses, and even more touching they all cried for our loss.

Losing a child is the most horrible experience you can ever go through. I have been told so many times from those who have lost a child that "now you know that no matter what happens the rest of your life, it cant be as bad as this." And honestly, that is pretty true. I have experienced a lot in my life. And not having a dad around it just doesn't matter compare to losing your baby. I have never hurt this much. And it sucks because everyone is afraid of death....people are more likely to celebrate the good with you and know what to say...congrats...then a simple "Im sorry" when you loss someone. I myself am guilty of this. When my good friend Kathy lost her son, I didnt know what to say. I did say I was sorry. But then I never said anything else. And that hurts. The pain never leaves you and it hurts when you think everyone has forgotten the one you love. That they think you should be moving on by now. Let me tell you now...I will NEVER move on. I may have more children, but I lost my daughter. My first baby. I will always wonder what it would of been like had she lived. I will always look at my future children and wonder if Ava would of had the same color hair when she got older. You cannot expect me to just cry for her and then live my life. I will live, but I will always have a part of me in heaven and an innocence about life that is forever gone. Death is not scary. I guess if you never experienced losing someone you love, you just try to avoid it. Its NOT taboo. It is not something to just ignore.

Its not fair I lost my daughter, My selfish part knows this sucks, I wanted to have her in my arms always. But What I cant deal with is that she died and everyone seems to think she doesn't matter as much as a live baby on earth. That their baby is more important because he/she is alive and can be visably seen going through life, whereas my daughter is in Heaven and cant be seen. I plan to celebrate my daughters life for as long as I live. On her first birthday I will make her a cake. I will hang a stocking for her on Christmas. People thank God for the good in their life, and say let his will be done and how blessed they are...what about me? Am I therefore cursed because he took my daughter? Am I not blessed? I still thank God, even if I am hurting so bad. Because in my eyes. My daughter got to leave this evil earth and never face fear, sorrow, or danger. She is an angel and will forever be happy. Never know sadness. Is she not blessed because she isnt here on earth? She is just some sad story of a child who didnt get to live long? I dont think that is true. Her soul was so good and pure (all children are, but we lose that when we get older and have to find that innocence again)that God wanted her always to be happy with him in heaven. And one day when our souls are just as loving and good like hers. We too will be with him. I think she is very blessed. Our selfishness dont see it this way, because who doesnt want to watch their child grow? But sometimes God sends them only for a little while.

I am rambling. But I have so many thoughts locked in my head that I have held in for so long. Its hard to get them out in an order that can be understood.

I want to thank everyone who is going to celebrate Ava in August 28th. That means so much to me. I know so many of you still care and ache for our loss. But I try to stay positive that she is happy in heaven. Even if I am left here without her for now. I wish no one ever had to lose a child, but they are in a happy safe place. Its ok to cry and miss them. But try to stay positive that you will see them again and that they wouldn't want you to conitnue your life in darkness as you finish what your soul has to do here on earth to be with God.